On Love, Alain de Botton's debut novel, explores the genesis, evolution and eventual destruction of a single relationship. Along the way we are privy to our protagonist's innermost longings, self-hating tendencies, and endless second-guessing; these very human frailties make the relationship experience rocky, to say the least. But I found the novel to be ultimately very relateable, and unsparingly honest in reflecting the more unsavory characteristics that intimacy with another person can inspire in us all.
One question a reader may well ask herself, in light of all the difficulties involved, is why any of us even bother with long-term monogamy in the first place. De Botton is very convincing as he details the agonies and uncertainties of his protagonist. However, there is one particularly compelling reason to endure the unpleasant times in a relationship, and De Botton describes this in his chapter "I" Confirmation: [INSERT QUOTE FROM PAGE 99-100] I intend to discuss the benefits of being known and understood on a deeper level than even the closest friendship, and show how these outweigh all the potential hazards of love.
Our protagonist meets Chloe on an airplane, strikes up a conversation, and proceeds to discover the mutual interests and common ways of thinking that exist between them. He calls her up not long after, and after navigating the all obstacles of courtship, they find themselves in a committed relationship. Their lives interweave, and this leads naturally to a deepening knowledge of the other person's characteristics: [INSTERT QUOTE FROM PAGE 101] It takes longer for the protagonist to learn Chloe's inner ways, but eventually he does, and finds that "With such characteristics, Chloe slowly assumed a complex coherence in my mind, someone with consistency and a degree of predictability." (102)
So we establish an identity for the other person, and they in turn do the same for us. But why is this valuable? "Humans need one another in order to define themselves and achieve self-consciousness," says De Botton. [QUOTE FROM PAGE 100] Chloe and the protagonist mirror their behaviors and inclinations to each other, in order to gain a deeper understanding of themselves - something impossible to attain with even the most determined solitary introspection. When the protagonist is melancholy on a Sunday evening and Chloe observes he's wearing his "lost-orphan-boy" look again, he feels a rush of love and gratitude: "A gratefulness for reminding the orphan he is an orphan, and hence returning him home." (99)
We all instinctively understand this idea, that the presence of those around us gives our lives context and meaning. The deeper our connection with the people around us, the truer this rings. We feel a deep devastation, therefore, when these connections are severed; in the case of our protagonist, he is even driven to a suicide attempt (that ends in nothing worse than a Vitamin C overdose). But that is an extreme case. For an emotionally balanced person who has a strong sense of who they are outside of a relationship, that shared identity with another person can uniquely enrich their lives and provide a sense of safety and of true belonging.
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